


Twice Shy

by ThatClumsyGirl



Series: Home of the Free [4]
Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M, Post-Series, Thomas is paranoid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-24
Updated: 2019-08-24
Packaged: 2020-09-25 19:38:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 6,986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20377009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatClumsyGirl/pseuds/ThatClumsyGirl
Summary: Thomas realises that life in Hawai'i may not be as different as he'd thought





	1. Monday

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for the comment and the kudos on the last one. I'm glad someone actually likes these stories :)  
This one is set some time between "Night, when words ..." and chapter 6 of "Sunrise over Sea"

_gone out with friends back late_, the message, composed of children's wooded engraved alphabet blocks, reads. Thomas recently added those to their household's inventory so he and Edward can easily leave messages for each other. He is glad that Edward has found friends so quickly and that they each have their own life – if nothing else, it would raise people's suspicions if they were only seen together and never apart – but he really would have liked to see him tonight when he came home. Not only because he always wants to see him but also for moral support when he opens the letter from Downton that had arrived in the morning and has been weighing heavily on his mind ever since. Thomas should be used to the feeling by now, it's not the first letter he's had and they've all been very sweet and polite, so far. He feels like a fool for dreading it so much, but he knows how easily the past can be dredged up again. With a cup of tea in his hand, he overcomes his fears and opens the envelope. There are two letters in there.

The one from Mrs. Hughes contains nothing out of the ordinary, only good wishes and some news of the household and the village, until he reaches the second page. “It may interest you to know, that Mr. Carson has decided to retire and that we are currently looking for an adequate replacement. I took the liberty of mentioning your name in that context a number of times and everyone reacted rather favourably to the idea. There are few people who know the place better than you do and I strongly believe that you would prove equal to the task now that you are well and truly grown up. While I honestly hope that your new life overseas is a happy one – if it is not, please know that the door is open should you wish to return”

The second letter, from Phyllis Baxter, says much the same. “I know that it is unfair to stir everything up again now that you and E. have settled in, but the truth is, you would be the perfect man for the job. Additionally, everyone has realised they miss you. I, for one, miss you dreadfully. I even heard Mr. Carson say to his Lordship: 'If only Thomas hadn't gone to America'. I won't ask it of you, but if you're thinking about returning, be sure that we would welcome you gladly”

Thomas finds himself quite stunned. To think that they'd ever have him back after how he'd behaved for the better part of fifteen years … He can't deny that he's been homesick the odd time, has walked the corridors of Downton in his dreams and longed to breathe the crisp country air and hear those Northern voices again. With an ache in his heart, he has seen himself laughing and joking in the kitchen with Daisy and Andy and playing tag with the Crawley-children on the gallery. But the truth is, those moments were the exception, not the rule. Even during times when he'd had friends there, he'd felt like the loneliest man on earth, always ready to have the floor pulled from underneath his feet. It was a constant battle for acceptance, for respect and against the whole world. There was never a feeling of security, not for any length of time. He will never feel completely secure but it is much better now that he's here.

Of course, he's changed, and it might go differently the second time around but what's the point in even thinking about it when he is so happy here, much happier than he could ever be in England. The people are much more straight-forward here, no-one keeps harping on about how vulgar any kind of emotion is and how you should know your place and keep to it. While there are social classes and rules of etiquette, none of it is so restricted that it leaves you no breathing space. It is that American way of measuring a man by his achievements, not by his background. (That is, as long as your skin is the right colour …)

And then there is the small matter of his and Edward's relationship. There is no way Edward is going back to England, that much is certain. And were he to suddenly change his mind and decide to do so, where would that leave them? Naturally, their love is a secret and illegal one, even here, but they can close the door and do whatever they want without anyone noticing. People might suspect something and talk, but ultimately, they respect that it is their private business as long as the door remains closed. The laws are in place and being enforced but only if anything too obvious happens in public. If Thomas were butler of Downton Abbey, all he could do is to sneak off and see Edward every few days, until someone got curious and followed him and scandal and prosecution ensued. And that would be the end of it, they'd have to pack up and leave again, on the run from the police, if they were lucky. Considering they've both been rather unlucky in general, it would probably end badly. It might be too much pressure even for Edward, the man who had flat-out refused to marry, who wears being disinherited almost like a badge of honour and who boldly stands up to society's expectations about his disability.

Then again, isn't this what Thomas has always wanted? A second chance to make good on the fifteen years of misery he'd caused everyone including himself. Who knows – it might make up for everything or it might land him right back where he was when he picked up the razorblade in the bath. The price for trying would be his freedom and possibly the love of his life in the long-run. Isn't that too high a price for a “maybe”?


	2. Wednesday

Thomas thought nothing of it the first time it happened but now, for the third time, when he encountered a group of chambermaids, they fell completely silent. This is not normal – usually, they greet him politely and when he doesn't have any orders from Mr. Willard to relay or anything else to say, they carry on with their conversation. But not today. They are up to something, he can tell. And it most certainly has something to do with him because they keep giving him sidelong glances when they think he's not looking. Around midday that turns into trying hard to ignore him and now he really is certain that he's the object of this prank or whatever it is.

Thomas really doesn't want to be angry, so he makes an effort to hold on to the feeling of confusion. It quickly turns into irritated confusion when Janie, the youngest and most giggly of the maids, tries to hide from him in a corridor as if he were the devil and drops an armful of linens in the process.

“Now, would you kindly tell me what's going on with everyone today?”, he asks when they've finished folding the sheets back up and they're safely in her hands again.

Her eyes grow wide and she shifts from one foot to the other “It ain't nothing. Why would anything be going on? What gives you that idea?”

“I'll have it out of you, missy”, he grumbles but can't quite stop a smile.

“I'm sure you will, Mr. Barrow” With another giggle, she dashes away down the corridor.

When Thomas tells Edward about these strange goings-on later, his boyfriend laughs out loud at the whole story.

“Oh dear, the girl must have rather an enormous crush on you”

“What? Don't be ridiculous, I'm twice her age” _That_ would never have occurred to Thomas.

“And you've never fancied anyone older and more sophisticated than you were?”

“Well, if you put it that way …” Now that he thinks about it, there were quite a few of those in his young years: the valet in the first household Thomas ever worked as a hall boy; the Duke of Crowborough, if not much older; a dashing RFC pilot during the war … The latter two had broken his heart, albeit in different ways, and the valet had never even given him a second look. “What do you think I should do about it?” Thomas had only once been on the receiving end of this sort of situation, with Daisy, and he had played on it to his own advantage rather shamelessly. Janie reminds him of Daisy as she used to be and that only adds to his confusion.

“You shouldn't do anything, for now. Don't acknowledge it and try to keep her at a distance. If she ever tries to make a move on you, you can always tell her she's too young”

“You're probably right. Who'd've thought this would happen … And I always believed American girls were too independent for this kind of thing”

“I don't know about that, but they're certainly unpredictable for Englishmen like us, so be careful”


	3. Friday

The situation with the maids is becoming unbearable. Now, they don't just stop talking when they see him, they've taken to making mysterious nonsensical remarks, too. It would be amusing if it weren't so annoying (and if it were happening to someone else). In addition, the reception seems suddenly disorganised. Yesterday, someone misplaced a pile of outgoing mail and Mr. Willard chose Thomas as the one who was at fault and had to rewrite every single letter. Today, not one but two bookings had been lost and Thomas has had to use all his skills at glossing it over so the guests in question didn't notice. At least it impressed the boss. Other things keep vanishing and turning up again and more often than not, the responsibility ends up in Thomas' hands.

No doubt he would be much more distressed by the situation and would have done something rash and stupid by now if he didn't have Edward as his voice of reason. They talk about these things and Thomas can check if his feelings are sensible or if he is overreacting.

“Don't you think you're being a bit paranoid?”, Edward is saying right now, after he's told him about the strange behaviour of the maids, “Maybe they're just talking about something they don't want a man to hear – any man, not just you”

“Believe me, I've worked with housemaids for almost twenty years, I know their ways. They can't be so different here” Today had taken him back to the past quite a few times, a bit like a film was playing in front of his eyes.

“Maybe not. And I'm not saying they don't have a secret – all I'm saying is, it's probably innocent and you shouldn't concern yourself” There is an undeniable logic to Edward's words.

“You might be right. I should concentrate on my work”

“Exactly. You're too curious for your own good, don't let it get in the way. You're good at what you do, that's what counts”

“How can you be so sure about that?” Thomas himself isn't sure half of the time how well he does his job.

“You got us across America like you'd never done anything else. Taking care of things, organizing, that's entirely your cup of tea. I envy that skill sometimes – with me, it's a miracle if I know what day it is” While his long-term memory is exceptional, Edward has substantial trouble remembering what he was supposed to be doing or where he was supposed to be going at any given time. He'd probably forget to eat and sleep if it weren't for Thomas. He'd certainly forget to turn the stove off.

“It's really not that bad. Today's Friday, by the way” It's usually the day they clean house, but Thomas has deemed it unnecessary, mainly because he's too tired and distracted.

“I knew that one. And, if I'm hearing it correctly, the clock just struck eight and I'm running late. Sorry, forgot to tell you before”

“Going out again? Who're you with?”

“Just some of the Portuguese guys, you wouldn't know them”

“You're turning into quite the socialite lately” Thomas doesn't begrudge him all the time he spends with his friends but something is weird about it. And he is afraid that, if it goes on like this for months on end, some day, they'll realise they've drifted apart.

“What, are you jealous?” With a mischievous smile, Edward puts his arms around him.

“And if I am?”

The response is one of those fiery kisses that makes Thomas blush and feel flustered and puts every single blood-cell in turmoil. “Wait for me”, Edward whispers, “I'll hurry back and make it up to you”


	4. Saturday

It is gone! A whole page from the register, just gone. Thomas had noticed it while leafing through the book, trying to sneak in a minute's break without Mr. Willard's noticing. And he is sure the blasted thing was complete earlier. What is he going to do now? Fake the page numbers until they line up again? Look for the page discreetly in any place he can think of? Or … he could simply tell Mr. Willard and hope that the ton of bricks misses him when it falls. This option, he'll keep for later. For now, he'll go with the safest method and look for it and hope that no-one notices its' absence in the meantime. Mr. Willard had made it quite clear that the book is Thomas' responsibility from now on and Thomas knows if he messes it up, he'll never have much of a career in this hotel in the future. If they do let him stay, it'll be back to carrying luggage up and down the stairs.

But, wait a minute. Someone must've taken the page for exactly that reason. Someone is trying to prevent him from having a proper career. Probably the same person who'd made the letters vanish and “lost” the two bookings the other day and all the other things everyone put down to coincidence … Within a second, Thomas is sure of it; he's done stuff like this and probably would've done this if he were on the other side of the situation. An arrogant foreigner walks in and acts like he owns the place – what else were they going to do? And Thomas has tried, really, to be invisible and without ambition. He was glad to get the work, even if it was just carrying luggage at first and he'd felt rather unchallenged by it. Then, by and by, his experience had gotten the better of him and he'd started taking over other tasks. That was his first mistake, probably. He should've stuck with his menial work and been content, but apparently being content is beyond him, even if he tries. And when he was promoted, he'd made an effort to always do his best instead of resting on those laurels, like any normal person. Why does he always have to try and get above himself?

This is like Downton all over again and it is his own fault. Wherever he looks, there are people sticking their heads together in conspiracy and giving him disgusted glances and, oh God, they probably know about the other thing, too. They all know that he lives with a man and some of them have even seen him and Edward together.

It is too late now, the damage has been caused, although Thomas really can't think of anything he might have done to set this off. It must've been his dark side acting again. He knew this was going to happen one day, after all it is impossible to change the stripes on a zebra, even if you paint it and call it a horse. He can act like a better man but in the end, he'll always be the overly-ambitious plotting footman whom everyone despises. He'll have to retaliate when he finds out who is out to get him, fight fire with fire, otherwise he'll be crushed, that much is certain. And it'll go on from there, he'll be constantly looking over his shoulder and anticipating his opponent's next move, live in the fear that there is a trap waiting for him behind every turn. Eventually, he'll do something irrational that will ruin everything and land him on the street for good.

Already, it feels like swimming upstream. A weariness seeps into his bones and the noise in his head turns into a roaring clamour of a million mocking voices. What has he been thinking? That he could just run away someplace else and all his horrible character feats would disappear? How could he be so naïve, like he doesn't know himself and the world at all?

Edward's voice finally breaks him out of his trance and he looks like he's just asked five questions without getting an answer.

“I'm sorry, what were you saying?”

“You're very distracted” Worry starts to show on Edward's face.

“Something happened at work today. A page from the register has vanished” Thomas doesn't want to tell him about his suspicions, not yet. He'd feel ashamed to admit that he messed everything up in such a short time.

“That's very unfortunate. I hope it won't have any consequences for you”

“If Mr. Willard finds out before I can fix it, it certainly will” Thomas remembers how proud he had been when he told Edward about the trust the senior concierge puts in him.

“What if Mr. Willard took it?”, Edward suggests.

“Don't be daft, why would he do such a thing?”

“To test you, see how you would react. Maybe he wants to see if you're cut out to be his replacement when he retires in a few years”

He does have a point, Thomas must admit. “Maybe. But I doubt he'd have time for that sort of game. He's always on his toes, the boss”

“What are you going to do about it now? Will you tell him it's missing?”

“I'll take another day or two to look for it, then I'll have to tell him, if I haven't found it” That still sounds like the most reasonable, grown-up thing to do.

“Don't worry. I'm sure it'll turn up and if not, he'll appreciate your trying”

Thomas surely hopes so. This job is just too good to ruin it. If only he could find out who his enemy is, and fast …


	5. Monday

The workers of the morning shift walk out with cheerful goodbyes while Thomas is supervising a wine delivery and sneaking in a cigarette-break Mr. Willard would disapprove of. He glances along the street by chance and a man half-hidden behind the next corner catches his eye. It takes a moment for him to recognise Edward, simply because it is such an unexpected place for him to be. Why didn't he say earlier that he was coming to Waikiki? They could've gone together.

A woman, one of those secretive housemaids, steps up to Edward and pulls him fully around the corner and out of sight. How curious … Thomas can't help it, he hurries along and hides in the nearest doorway where he might get a better view.

“All clear, he's gone”, he hears her voice.

“Did he see us?”, Edward asks.

“Don't think so, but we should get away” They come out of their hiding place, laughing, and make off down the road, arm in arm in a rather overly familiar way. Thomas has recognised the woman even from behind without a shadow of doubt. He would know that peculiar tint of reddish-brown hair everywhere. It is Hazel Raymond, one of the senior chambermaids. Thomas had introduced her and Edward a few weeks ago when her recently blinded sister had come to visit from the mainland and Hazel had been out of her depth in the situation. She is an upbeat and open-minded young woman, a bit restless and inconsistent, and likes to tell everyone how her forefathers were involved in the original California Gold Rush. She is also rather beautiful – not that it matters much in the situation.

Thomas would like nothing more than to follow them but he has to get back to work. It is quite impossible to do anything properly, though. No matter how much he tries to force himself to forget about it, his brain keeps reverting back to the picture of the two of them entangled and giggling like débutantes in a ballroom and adds and deduces bits of it until he himself is unsure what exactly he'd seen. There is a perfectly innocent explanation, there must be, because the alternative is just too terrible to think about. _I'm not saying I couldn't have loved a woman_, those were Edward's exact words, that night in London, so it's not entirely absurd to fear it might have happened. Hazel is a nice girl and there is an energy about her that could raise the dead. What if Edward has discovered that this kind of person is better for him than sad old Thomas with his scars and his imperial ton of emotional luggage? What if Thomas has let himself be dragged halfway across the world like a love-blind fool only to end up betrayed and abandoned in a foreign land, with all his hopes and dreams drowned in the deep-blue waters of the Pacific?

But, no. He refuses to believe that Edward would do such a thing, and so soon. It might happen, there's no point in deceiving himself, but he likes to think that it would be a bit more of a struggle on Edward's part, to accept that this relationship has failed. Then again, how well does he really know him? Yes, he's seen him in his darkest and most fragile moments, but if those wounds were healed, who would Edward be without them? Thomas has never doubted that, without the broken heart, he'd still be the same kind, stubbornly optimistic and honest person he is now, incapable of knowingly hurting anyone. Never, until today. And what if he has discovered that his love for Thomas is really just gratitude for giving him a way out of the wasteland that was his London-life?

Mr. Willard's annoyed voice finally snaps Thomas out of those thoughts and he can push them back far enough to do his work. It wouldn't do to get into any more trouble right now. And also, he refuses to let his heart break just yet, before he has had a chance to confront Edward with the matter.

When he gets home later, a part of him is surprised to even find Edward there and looking like he's been there for a while, too.

“Hello, my dear. How was your day?”, he asks cheerfully and when he kisses him, Thomas could swear he can still smell Hazel's perfume on him. And he could also swear it's the one he had on him the other night, when Thomas had first noticed it.

“Oh, you know, still looking for that page from the register. Everything else was business as usual … And what have you been up to?”

“Not much. A piano-lesson down town, then Vasco and a few other students visited. That's about it” There is definitely something strange about the way he says that.

“By the way, Hazel told me to say hello”, Thomas replies as innocently as he can.

“Oh, really. How is she? I last talked to her when we were at … that thing, the day before her sister left” While Edward is able to keep a straight face and keep his feelings more or less restrained in the company of others – a skill most English people of the upper classes seem to be born with – he turns into an open book as soon as they're alone. He is also a terrible liar, barely capable of even lying by omission and completely useless at strategic untruth. Thomas, however, is an expert at both and how Edward could even dream about lying to him successfully is beyond him. Obviously, he can't even apply the basic rule of a lie: never give more information than you're asked to.

The flames of hot anger rear in Thomas' chest like a sudden devastating wildfire and it takes him all the control he can muster not to give into it. This is Edward he's speaking to, he reminds himself, the man he loves, and that man will not be the victim of one of his outbursts. He will end this conversation right now and take some time to cool off. “She's fine. Working hard, you know, as always”, he says casually.

“We should meet up again, the three of us. It'd be fun”

That … No. What? “Mhm, yeah”, is all Thomas can manage. Tiny little dots are dancing in front of his eyes.

“Thomas? Is everything alright? You sound a bit strange tonight. Is it that business with the register?”

“No, it's not that … Listen, I've got a splitting headache. I need to go for a walk outside” Thomas is already putting his shoes back on and hastily checking the torchlight for power at the same time. All he wants to be right now is alone.

“But … you just walked all the way home” Edward gets up and Thomas knows he can't let him get between himself and the door, or there'll be a disaster. “Can I do anything to help?”, he asks softly.

That's the last straw. Out of here, just away. “I'll be a while, don't wait up” When he pulls the door shut, he catches a glimpse of Edward standing there half reaching out, with a look on his face that's somewhere between confused and sad, and it almost makes him want to turn around, forget what he's seen and pretend everything's fine. Maybe if he pretends long enough, he'll believe it.

Thomas turns the next corner and follows the road until it dwindles to a dusty path that leads into a grove of trees. No-one will find him here, hidden in the dark. He sits down on the ground, breathing hard around the tight feeling in his throat. He can't believe he's been thrown over for a woman … And he's not sure who he's most angry with – Edward, Hazel or himself. Probably himself, for being such a stupid mug and falling in love with this man, almost a stranger, and following him here. Didn't life teach him differently? He should know by now that there's no point in hope, but he just can't help himself. Already, he is hoping again; that things might be different than they look and that there is nothing serious between Edward and Hazel. If it's just an affair, he can forgive him that. Thomas wonders where his self-respect has run off to and since when he is fine with being humiliated and lied to. No, scratch that, he's not fine, it's a god-awful feeling, but he would still prefer it over losing Edward altogether.

In the morning, they'll have to talk about this and everything will depend on it. Thomas can't see beyond that, it is like a wall right in front of him. He can't see himself carrying on if it really is over. This is what happens if you hand someone the power to hurt you ... Finally, he gives in to the grief and the tears.

Thomas' whole life has been destroyed in less than two days. There's his place at the hotel hanging in the balance, too. It is truly like being back at Downton, with all the fear and the insecurity that comes with it. Maybe it is his fate to end up like this, alone and out of a job, in a place where no-one would need him if he weren't there.


	6. Tuesday

“Are you feeling better?” Edward puts a hand on his shoulder and a cold shiver runs through Thomas.

“Much”, he mumbles and tries to concentrate on the newspaper.

“Why didn't you come to bed last night?”

“Didn't want to disturb you”

“You wouldn't have. I was still awake when you came back” Despite everything, Thomas notices how tired he looks.

Silence falls between them, but not the comfortable sort they're used to. “Don't you have somewhere to be? It's past nine”, Thomas asks just to say something and is surprised by his own impatient tone.

Edward gives him that familiar bemused look of his. “Actually, I was going to spend the morning with you. Unless you've got better things to do, of course”

Thomas considers making up some sort of appointment down town, but he knows that running away won't solve the problem, so he says nothing, just drinks the rest of his tea with shaking hands.

After a minute, Edward gets up and stands between him and the door. “Alright, enough. Just tell me what's wrong and start from the beginning, please” He seems genuinely clueless.

It is time for the confrontation Thomas has dreaded all night. Best to get it over with. He'll start with the easy part. “The employees at the hotel are … conspiring behind my back. They always … stop talking when I come in; things are mysteriously vanishing. It's got so far that … I might lose my job” Thomas recognises the choppy, tight sound of his own voice. It's exactly how he used to speak as the angry servant he has ceased to be. Or he thought he had ceased to be. He stands up to give himself some confidence. “And now you are … you're … keeping something from me, you're going out all the time and won't tell me where to. And … when you come back you're always in such a good mood and … you've got a woman's perfume all over you … How the hell do you think that looks?”

“Wait. You're not seriously implying I'm cheating on you? With a woman? Thomas, darling, that's so absurd I can't even be mad at you” Edward steps around the table and places a hand on his arm.

Thomas pulls his arm away but stays exactly where he is, too stubborn to leave. “You've been lying to me”

“Yes. Sorry about that. But we did it for a perfectly good reason”

“We? You mean the people at the hotel? … Won't you just tell me what's going on?”

“I don't know anything about your vanishing things, but for the rest: We were arranging a surprise party for your birthday” It's the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth and it makes Thomas feel like a fool in one second flat. “I really don't know how anyone keeps those people in line, it was like herding cats”

“But … you and Hazel?” He is already convinced that nothing is going on there, but he still needs an explanation.

“She can sing very well. We were practising some songs – that was my idea and supposed to be the only surprise. And then Hazel thought it would be nice to make the whole party a surprise. We thought we were being really quite stealthy about it but of course you noticed; you're very observant. Janie, Nora, Clyde, Theo and some others were involved in this”

“So … I've been twisting my brain for a week – for nothing?” It all makes perfect sense now.

“That about sums it up” Edward embraces him tenderly and Thomas is much too confused to respond. “My beautiful idiot” The embrace becomes more solid and he strokes Thomas' back. “I'm sorry” The lightness has completely disappeared from his voice. “I should've known it would upset you”

“It's quite alright” Thomas finally gives into the touch and has to laugh, despite himself. So, his whole life isn't going to fall apart … “You must think I'm very stupid”

“No, I really don't … I think you've been hurt once too often, that's all … Can you forgive me?”

“There's nothing to forgive, you meant well … Don't beat yourself up about it” Thomas' knees are shaky with relief and he feels like he could cry. The warmth has flooded back into his heart.

“I'll try not to. And it's as much Hazel's fault as mine … What really gets me is the fact that I didn't notice what kind of state you were in. I thought you were distressed about the letter from Downton and that you'd come to me when you were ready to talk about it” A slight tremor in his voice makes it obvious how guilty Edward feels.

“Honestly, love, stop apologizing. It's fine. It was a really sweet idea, now that I think about it, and I'm sure I would've enjoyed the surprise” Pleasant surprises have been a rare occurrence in his life, so the frame of reference is small. “It's so typical of me to expect the worst and see a conspiracy behind everything”

Edward guides Thomas to the couch and makes him sit down. “You've never known any different in your life so far, of course you'd think so. It's understandable … and very sad. But at least we've talked about it now and everything is well between us again. It is well, isn't it?”

With a smile, Thomas kisses his cheek. “Yes, thank heavens. We fixed it before I could do anything truly stupid, like I usually do … I hope I'll manage that miracle a second time before I lose my job and we're left to starve”

“You might start by giving yourself more credit. You're too clever to repeat all of your mistakes. And also, judging by everything you've told me, it doesn't sound like the misfortunes in your past were all your own doing. You felt bullied or threatened or taken advantage of, so you lashed out. That's probably the only defence you learned when you were young. But you're wiser now and I believe you're quite able to resolve this without any damage”

“I wish I had your confidence” The familiar fear of disappointing Edward comes up again.

“Just keep a calm head and it'll be fine … You're sure this has nothing to do with the letter from Downton?”

“The letter, yeah, almost forgot about that. They've written to ask me back”

Edward needs a moment to process that and find an adequate answer. “And will you … go back?”

“No” It takes no more contemplation. Thomas has never been so sure about anything in his life, he doesn't even know why he ever gave one serious thought to the matter. “I feel honoured by the offer, but no. I have my freedom now and I won't give it up, not even for Downton Abbey and a chance of redemption”

Smiling, Edward takes his hand. “Good. For a moment there, I thought we'd have to move all the way back to England”

“You'd have come with me?” Their fingers entwine and with something akin to magnetic force, they move closer together, fitting like two pieces of a puzzle.

“Of course. I'd never go back by choice but if it were you heart's wish, I would certainly follow you. Living _there_ with you would be miles better than living without you anywhere else … I love you and, as soppy as it might sound, I would go to hell and back with you” Edward raises their clasped hands and softly kisses Thomas' fingers.

“Fortunately, it won't come to that … I love you, too. I wonder if you have any idea how much”

“So much it frightens you sometimes?”

It's one of those half playful, half sincere questions that purposely give Thomas control over the conversation. He gets to choose how serious he wants it to become. Right now, he is fine with quite serious. “Yes, actually. In a way, it does” Last night's breakdown beneath the pineapple trees comes to mind and darkens his thoughts again. “Doesn't it scare you, to be at someone's mercy like that?”

“Not in that way, no. I trust you completely. Losing you, that's what scares me. And, I've only just realised, the idea of hurting you is really terrifying” The guilty tone has sneaked back into his voice.

“You're not still apologising, are you?”

“Maybe, a bit. I'll have to be more careful with you, Thomas. I know you don't trust me”

“I … am sorry” He knows he should trust the man he loves, knows it upsets Edward that he doesn't.

“No, don't be. It's fine, I know you can't help it, you never learned how. One day, you might”

Thomas suddenly wishes he had chosen the less serious path; they'd probably be snogging by now if he had. He won't get out of this without getting too emotional. “As long as you don't give up on me, I might”, he mumbles, a part of him hoping that Edward won't even hear it.

“I'll never give up on you” Edward pulls him into his arms. “I admire you endlessly for trying, for risking all of this with me, every day”, he whispers, as insecurely as Thomas himself, “You are the strongest man I know”

“Funny, I'd say the same about you”


	7. Wednesday

The staff-room is buzzing with that electric energy only really good gossip can generate. Something bigger than a surprise party has to be behind this, whatever Edward says. It isn't long before Hazel beckons Thomas into an empty room.

“Have you heard the latest?”

“Finally, someone tells me what's going on … No, I bloody well haven't”

“So, you haven't seen Ira Milton's _finger_?” She can hardly contain her excitement.

“What about it?” Ira is a young man in Thomas' shift on reception; has the looks and demeanour of a film star and, now that he thinks about it, has been distracted lately.

Hazel holds up her hands and points to her left ring-finger. “Wedding ring”, she says very slowly, “And a real shotgun wedding, I'd bet. No-one's told you nothing, they think you'd have some moral problem with it, being English and all … You know Ira got a girl into trouble, don't you?”

“I didn't know that” But he isn't surprised. It all adds up now – Ira was there whenever disorder occurred, he has to be the one who lost the bookings and the letters. How could Thomas not have noticed that? His skills must be getting rusty.

“Well, he did. The daughter of one of the merchants down by the harbour. Broke all the chambermaids' hearts”

“A gun merchant?” Or was that another one of her slang expressions that sound like English but not quite?

“What gun? No, never mind. Gotta go” She rushes out of the room and leaves Thomas relieved and with that strange anti-climatic feeling one gets when a problem resolves itself. All those strategies and lines of thought he's been going over are useless now because, if he believes it or not, the problem was someone else.

When Thomas comes back to the front-desk, the housemaid Louise is busy with the register. She also happens to be Mr. Willard's niece.

Thomas steps up behind her and there is the missing page, plain as day, in her hand. “Hold on, what are you doing with that?”

Louise looks quite caught out. “Nothing, I was just puttin' it back”

“What have you been doing with it, then?” Thomas takes a look at the page and it might be a close match, but that's definitely not his own handwriting.

“I was … well … oh, what's the point”, she sighs and visibly gives in, “Don't tell Mr. Willard I told you, it'd only embarrass him. He put his coffee-mug down on it the other day and it left a big ugly stain. Cos' he's always scolding the receptionists for drinkin' their coffee at the front-desk he felt it'd _undermine his authority_, is what he said, if y'all found out about it. So he gave me a dollar to rewrite it as best I could. T'was a dollar's worth of work, I can tell you that. Took me ages to do your weird English writing”

Thomas barely has the composure to thank her and mumble a few words of goodbye. He makes it into a linen-cupboard where he breaks down and laughs until his eyes water.


	8. Thursday, 3 June 1926

Edward must have slipped out while Thomas was sleeping off his evening shift and their private birthday celebration last night after midnight. In vain, he walks through the silent house in search of his boyfriend and ends up standing on the porch in his pyjamas. The late morning air is already warm and it carries the noise of the city up the hill. Birds are singing, the waves are rolling, everything is green and full of life and Thomas finds himself smiling, without any particular reason. In times gone by, a postcard from Hawai'i would have been a nice and unexpected birthday gift, now he is standing here and if he holds his hands up just so, it looks like the picture on a postcard no matter which way he turns.

“Good morning, O'ahu. What a beautiful day to get older”, he mumbles, almost laughing out loud at himself. Why on earth is he talking to an island? He must be getting daft. Or maybe this is what being relaxed does to him. He might be one year older today but he feels much younger than he did this time last year or the year before that. This is all thanks to Edward and the bravery they give each other. There's no point in wondering where he'd be without him, not today. This day is all about having a good time.

Thomas realises he never asked about a time and a place for the party, but he trusts he'll soon find out. When he goes back inside to have breakfast, he notices a bright block-message on the kitchen-table that makes his heart leap: _happy 35 hotel beach 4 pm love you_


End file.
